Portland, OR – In a stunning reversal of a seemingly inspiring comeback story, local man and former drug addict, Chad “The Chad” Stevens, has announced his return to a life of substance abuse, citing the exorbitant costs of his sobriety hobby, Brazilian Jiujitsu.
Stevens, 32, had been a fixture at the esteemed ‘Chokehold Central’ academy for the past two years, where he was celebrated for turning his life around. His transformation was the subject of countless motivational posts on the gym’s Instagram, often featuring him tearfully explaining how the gentle art had saved him from a path of self-destruction.
“It was beautiful, really,” said Chokehold Central’s head instructor, “Professor” Rick Reynolds, his voice cracking with emotion. “He came to us broken, and we gave him gis, rash guards, and an unlimited membership. He was a symbol of what our community is all about. A few years ago, he was fighting for his life. Now he’s fighting for a decent knee-on-belly escape. It’s a tragedy he’s gone back to fighting for his dealer’s number.”
Stevens, however, sees the situation differently. In a post on his newly reactivated Facebook profile, he laid out his reasoning with the stark logic of a man who has clearly done the math.
Jiujitsu:
- Gi: $180-$300
- No-Gi gear: $75-$150
- Membership: $150-$250 per month
- Tournament fees: $100-$150 per event
- Injury recovery (Chiro/Physio): Priceless (but actually like $500 a pop)
Substance Abuse:
Friends: “They’re still here, and they don’t charge me for a drop-in fee.”
“The good stuff”: Varies, but significantly less than the above.
The post quickly went viral within the jiujitsu community, sparking a heated debate. Some grapplers expressed sympathy, while others accused him of being “soft” and not truly committed to “the lifestyle.”
“He just didn’t want it bad enough,” commented one brown belt on the thread. “I sold my car to pay for my black belt prep camp. The art requires sacrifice.”
“I think the real tragedy is that we never offered him an ‘unlimited supply’ of our gym’s branded energy drinks. Maybe that would have been enough to keep him here,” lamented Professor Reynolds, who has already replaced Stevens’ picture on the gym’s wall of fame with a new one of a small child performing a perfect armbar.
When asked for a final comment, Stevens was brief. “I’m back to getting ‘tapped out’ in a different way, and honestly, my wallet feels a lot better about it. This new lifestyle is surprisingly low-cost. I’m saving so much money.”
He then ended the conversation with a subtle, yet unmistakable, fist bump, a nod to his former life that was both a farewell and a financial statement.
