Parma HTS, OH — With a heavy heart, a bottle of ibuprofen, and a deeply bruised ego, local 43-year-old blue belt Craig Miller announced this week that he is officially seeking to surrender his designated pet white belt back to the local academy shelter after less than three months of mentorship.
Miller, an accountant who received his blue belt three years ago and has successfully avoided a warm-up ever since, claimed that the emotional toll of raising a fresh white belt had simply become too much to bear.
“When I first saw Kevin, my heart melted,” Miller told reporters while icing his ribs. “He was in the corner of the mat, wearing a mismatched Amazon gi, trying to Americana someone from inside their own closed guard. He looked up at me with these big, anxious, uncoordinated eyes, and I just thought, ‘I can fix him. I can guide this little guy to his first stripe.’ It was a mistake.”
According to sources within the gym, the relationship started off well. Miller taught Kevin how to properly tie his belt, the meaning of ‘flow roll’, and how to nod solemnly whenever the professor spoke in Portuguese.
However, the bond quickly disintegrated during a Tuesday night drilling session due to what Miller describes as “severe behavioral issues regarding the space-time continuum.”
“We were drilling a standard scissor sweep,” Miller explained, his voice trembling. “A fundamental movement that has worked flawlessly since the 1970s. I did it once, perfectly. Kevin looked at me, blinked, and asked: ‘But Craig, what if we’re fighting on a frozen lake? And what if he’s wearing a heavy winter parka and pulls out a medieval mace? Does the sweep still work?’”
Miller claims he tried to redirect Kevin’s energy, explaining that they train for sport and basic self-defense, not hypothetical glacier warfare. But the questions only escalated.
Over the next month, Kevin reportedly asked the following hypothetical questions:
- “What if instead of passing your guard, I just lick your ear? Is that an IBJJF penalty?”
- “If I’m in a street fight and the guy is an Olympic judo practitioner but he’s also drunk and missing his left shoe, should I still pull guard?”
- “Craig, if I technically identify as being past your side control, do you still get to keep your underhook?”
The final straw occurred during Thursday’s positional sparring. After being easily mounted by Miller, Kevin reportedly stopped moving entirely, looked up at the ceiling, and asked, “But what if I just choose to stand up? Like, molecularly, what is stopping me from just manifesting a standing position right now?”
Miller immediately tapped out from mental exhaustion and drove straight to the front desk to ask about the return policy.
Representatives from the John Danaher Home For Wayward Spazzes confirmed they have received Miller’s inquiry but hopes he rethinks his decision, stating:
“Look, we have an overpopulation crisis right now,” said shelter director Marcus ‘Gordo’ Davis. “Everyone wants a fresh, eager white belt who doesn’t know what a leg lock is. Nobody wants a returns-model who spends half the round asking if a Vulcan nerve pinch is legal in the Masters 3 division. Once they start asking ‘what if’ questions, they become almost impossible to rehome.”
At press time, Miller was seen lurking near the back wall of the advanced class, hoping to be adopted himself by an introverted, deeply traumatized purple belt who hasn’t made eye contact or spoken a single word since 2021.
