If you think about it, a Thanksgiving meal and a BJJ open mat share a disturbing amount of DNA. Both involve heavy breathing, strange physical contortions, an immense amount of pressure, and the distinct possibility that someone is going to get choked if they aren’t careful.
As we loosen our belts for the holiday season, let’s take a look at the grappling hierarchy through the lens of the buffet line. Here is every BJJ rank explained as a Thanksgiving dish.
White Belt: The Dinner Roll
They are abundant, they are everywhere, and let’s be honest, they can be pretty soft.
The White Belt is the dinner roll of the mat. Essential to the ecosystem, but they crumble under a little bit of pressure. Just like that roll that gets flattened when you accidentally rest your elbow on it, a white belt will panic and lose their structural integrity the moment a knee-on-belly is applied.
They are also usually the “filler” of the gym. You need them to round out the room, but individually, they lack flavor. Occasionally, you get a “spazzy” roll (one that’s been thrown across the room by a unruly cousin), which is dangerous and unpredictable.
Blue Belt: The Canned Cranberry Sauce
You either love them or you hate them. The Blue Belt is the Canned Cranberry Sauce, slippery, weirdly shaped, and prone to disappearing.
Much like the cranberry sauce often gets left untouched on the plate, the Blue Belt is statistically the most likely rank to vanish. When they are present, they are difficult to get a grip on. They’ve learned just enough guard retention to be annoying, sliding out of your hands like gelatinized fruit sliding out of a tin can.
They add a little bit of flavor to the mix, but they can also leave a sour taste in your mouth if they try to wrist-lock you during a flow roll.
Purple Belt: The Stuffing
Now we are getting into the good stuff. The Purple Belt is the Stuffing, complex, spicy, and a chaotic mix of ingredients that somehow holds together.
By the time you reach purple, you’ve taken little bits of everything, some wrestling croutons, some judo celery, some berimbolo sage, and mashed it into a style that is uniquely yours. It’s the favorite part of the meal for many because it represents the perfect balance of texture and flavor.
However, like stuffing, a Purple Belt can be heavy. They have learned how to make you feel full of regret. They are sophisticated enough to know they don’t need to explode; they just need to sit in your stomach (or on your chest) until you are uncomfortable.
Brown Belt: The Mashed Potatoes
Dense. Heavy. Immovable.
The Brown Belt has abandoned the flashy movement of the lower ranks in favor of pure, gravity-defying density. They are the Mashed Potatoes. When a Brown Belt gets top position on you, it feels like someone scooped a ladle of cement onto your sternum. There is no “creating space” here, the potatoes fill every gap.
They aren’t pretty. There is no garnish. It is just a mound of carbohydrates designed to smother your will to live. You don’t “escape” mashed potatoes; you just endure them until the round is over.
Black Belt: The Turkey
The centerpiece. The result of years of preparation, patience, and slow-cooking.
The Black Belt is the Turkey. It commands respect. When the Turkey enters the room (or the mat), everyone stops to look. It looks magnificent and terrifying all at once.
However, the reality is complex. Sometimes the Turkey is dry and tough. Sometimes it’s moist and seasoned with new-age trends. But regardless of the style, carving the Turkey requires surgical precision, just like the Black Belt dissects your guard with a level of anatomical knowledge that is frankly frightening.
And, much like the Turkey, after dealing with a Black Belt for five minutes, all you want to do is go to sleep.
The Coral/Red Belt: The Post-Meal Nap
They have transcended the food entirely. They are the spirit of the holiday. They are the calm after the storm. They are mostly stationary, peaceful, and should not be disturbed under any circumstances.
The Leftovers
No matter where you currently sit on the grappling buffet line, remember that every dish is essential to the feast. You can’t have a proper meal with just turkey, and you can’t run a successful gym with just black belts. So this Thanksgiving, be grateful for the white belts who feed your ego, the purple belts who keep you sharp, and the brown belts who remind you what gravity feels like. Enjoy the carbs, rest up, and we’ll see you at the Black Friday open mat to sweat out the gravy. Happy Thanksgiving!
