To The Guy Gripping The Steering Wheel In His BJJ Gym’s Parking Lot…
I see you sitting there. It’s freezing outside, but the inside of your 2003 Saturn Ion is fogging up because your anxiety is through the roof. You’re staring at the faded sign of the gym, watching people walk inside carrying their gear bags, and your stomach is doing absolute backflips.
You’ve got your hand on the keys, debating whether to start the engine, back out of the space, and go hit a drive-thru instead.
Don’t turn the key. Stay right there. But more importantly, open the door and walk in.
I know exactly what’s waiting for you inside, and I know why you’re terrified. You’re about to endure another grueling two-hour meat-grinder session. You’re going to get smashed, suffocated, and entirely lost in positions you don’t even have names for yet and to top it all off, you’re going to get screamed at by a coach who seems to think volume and aggression are substitutes for actual instruction.
Here is a little perspective from a few years down the road to help you work up the courage to open that car door.
Getting Yelled At Is Not a Jiu-Jitsu Technique
Right now, you think you’re failing. You think you’re inherently bad at this because every time you mess up, your coach barks at you from the edge of the mat. He’s yelling something to the effect of “just pass the guard!” or “just get up!” as if the only thing holding you back is a lack of effort.
Here Is A Secret From The Future: Getting yelled at is not a technique.
It’s not your fault that you aren’t progressing under his system. He isn’t offering you mechanical details, concepts, or safe pathways. He’s just offering noise. You cannot learn a complex martial art through osmosis or sheer terror. Your inability to read his mind doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out for Jiujtsu. It just means you haven’t been taught how to do it yet.
You are going to suffer tonight, yes, but remember that every round you survive, even the ones where you are just a human grappling dummy, is building a layer of resilience that will serve you for the rest of your grappling career.
You Will Find Your People
This gym is not the whole world. Right now, Jiujitsu feels like a cult of hyper-aggression where you have to prove your worth by being a human punching bag, but the sport is changing, and your journey is going to change with it.
Eventually, you are going to outgrow this place. You’ll walk away from the toxicity and the screaming, and you will find the right people to guide you.
- You will find coaches who break down techniques into science, who value your safety, and who measure their success by your understanding, not their own egos.
- You will find training partners who want to build you up, not break you down. People who will catch you in a submission, let it go, and then show you exactly how to defend it next time.
- You will find a community that makes Jiu-Jitsu feel like a sanctuary rather than a sentence.
When that happens, the intimidation will melt away. The sport will stop feeling like an execution and start feeling like a puzzle you actually want to solve.
Stick It Out—You’ve Got This
So, take a deep breath. Look at that weird, center-mounted dashboard on your Saturn one more time, grab your gear bag, and step out into the cold.
The next two hours are going to suck. You’re going to get yelled at, you’re going to be exhausted, and you’re going to drive home in silence wondering why you do this to yourself. But every single minute of this discomfort is a deposit into a future version of yourself that is confident, skilled, and utterly unshakeable.
You are tougher than you think, and this rough start is just making the destination that much sweeter.
Written with love,
Your (middle-aged) Purplebelt Self
