WESTLAKE, OH – Long-time Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu enthusiast and self-proclaimed “Wristlock Whisperer,” Chad “The Carpal Crusher” Carmichael, 34, expressed profound bewilderment this week after noticing a peculiar decline in his social calendar following a particularly successful string of open mat sessions. Carmichael, known for his relentless pursuit of the elusive wristlock, confirmed that he’d successfully applied the submission a record “27 times in two days” to various training partners, including several white belts, a visiting purple belt, and even his own instructor, momentarily.
“I just don’t get it,” a visibly perplexed Carmichael told reporters from his local dojo, where he was coincidentally training alone. “One minute, everyone’s high-fiving me after class, talking about grab-a-beer, grab-some-pizza, maybe even try that new acai place. The next, my phone’s quieter than a library during finals week.”
Carmichael elaborated on his recent open mat triumphs. “I mean, it was a clinic! Every roll, I was seeing opportunities, and I took ’em. Little twist here, little crank there. You could hear the grunts, the ‘oofs,’ the occasional ‘OW, MY WRIST!'” He paused, a faraway look in his eye. “It was beautiful. Pure, unadulterated jiu-jitsu.”
Sources close to the situation (who requested anonymity for fear of having their carpal bones rendered into a fine powder) offered a different perspective. “Chad’s a nice guy, outside of rolling,” admitted one purple belt, gingerly rotating his right hand. “But on the mat, it’s like he’s possessed by a tiny, joint-attacking demon. You try to pass, wristlock. You go for a sweep, wristlock. You just look at his wrist, somehow, your wrist gets locked.”
Another, a white belt who was seen icing both wrists simultaneously, simply mumbled, “I just wanted to learn to tie my belt without assistance again.”
Carmichael, however, remains convinced his social woes are unrelated to his signature submission. “Maybe people are just busy? Tax season, you know,” he mused, despite it being mid-June. “Or perhaps they’re intimidated by my newfound wristlock prowess. Is that it? Are they jealous of my… joint dexterity?”
When pressed on whether the repeated infliction of pain might deter potential friendships, Carmichael scoffed. “Pain is temporary, but the glory of a perfectly executed wristlock is eternal! Besides,” he added, adjusting his gi collar, “it’s just jiu-jitsu. We’re all friends here, right? Just… very, very flexible friends.”
At press time, Carmichael was observed attempting to offer a helpful “post-roll wrist mobilization technique” to a new student who had just walked through the door. The student promptly turned around and left.
